On Tuesday 12th November 2016 at 8.34pm I arrived at Київ Бориспіль міжнародний аеропорт [Boryspil International Airport, Kiev]. The immigration desk, to be precise. The girl (25y/o ish) dressed in military uniform reminded my of a young friend of mine (looks wise). I could just picture her in a Kiev suburbs’ equivalent of the ‘Golden Fleece’ with her bitches downing the Vodka and generally having a good time!
“Where come from You?” she said sternly. With an expression that told me I’d interrupted something. Manchester I replied. She looked at me blank & sternly. "There is no plane coming from in from Mancheester here" she said sternly. I then changed my mind and said sheepishly “Munich”, (Whilst I’d got on my 1st plane in Manc, I had in fact just flown in from Munich) that was good enough for her. “Welkom Ukraine” she said, and stamped my passport…. Sternly!
That's it I’m in. :)
I did a lot of research for my ‘trip to the East’ and my mate Jimmy Caps had warned me of the Gypsies with gold teeth that ply Kiev as bogus taxi drivers. As soon as as I came out and into the Arrivals Hall I was approached by a set of gold teeth. “Taxi?”….”no thanks”. I needed cash and went towards the cash machine, the gold teeth followed me. Two more times they chattered “Taxi?” “No Thanks”, No Thanks!”
Right I needed to be quick here. Get my cash and run straight to the nearest ‘SkyTaxi’ which my research had told me would be waiting outside arrivals, were the official airport cars and were metered (you could even get a price up front if you want).
I crouched around the machine in case the teeth were lookin over my shoulder at my PIN. No need to worry though ‘cos a long queue had immediately formed behind me and the teeth had decided to collar someone else.
I put my card in, entered my PIN, got my cash, but could I get my card back? Could I bo**ocks! All I could do was stare and wait. The contents of the queue started to chatter and feet were tapping as I stared and waited patiently, what else could I do? I could not make head nor tail of the advise that was being hurled at me. Then, someone realised what my problem was. I was blind English. Amongst the other mutterings and chatterings, that all seem to end in ‘ski’ I hear the someone say “press cancel”. I pressed cancel, my card came out and I ran off pursued by another set of teeth “Taci” “Fuck off!”
I got outside and fell over another set of gold teeth before jumping into the sanctuary of a ‘SkyTaxi’ and I greeted the driver with “Fuck Me, there’s no shortage of taxi’s around ear is there mate!”
He looked at me blankly and proudly came out with the only 2 English words that he knew “No English” (it seemed well rehearsed). He grinned sinisterly showing his only one gold tooth…..
Fuck Me!
To be continued.